Self-esteem - it's an Inside Job

Where is your 'locus of evaluation'? By that I mean, do you value and trust your own judgement, or do you find it necessary to turn to others to make decisions for you, to give you advice on how you look, what you should wear, and how you should live your life?

There's an interesting scene in the film 'The Runaway Bride' (I know, not a very intellectual example, but I like it), where Julia Roberts is asked how she likes her eggs cooked. She realises that she doesn't know. She has lived her life adapting to whatever her latest boyfriend liked, trying to please him by being like him, liking the things he likes, doing the things he likes to do. Her own personality had become smothered in her attempts to please and to be liked.

Carl Rogers, the great American psychologist, founder of 'person-centred therapy', talked of our 'conditions of worth'. That's when we have to please other people to make us feel better (or 'normal'). We can only feel good if someone else loves us and tells us we're worthy. It, of course, usually stems from childhood. When we do something wrong and Dad says 'you're a bad girl/boy' - that doesn't differentiate between our behaviour (what we did wrong) and our being (who we are as a person). So, we end up believing that we are 'bad' inside. This feeling can stay with us into adulthood, leaving us with low self-esteem, low self-worth and a lack of confidence.

In counselling a person-centred counsellor will try to remove those 'conditions of worth' by accepting the client unconditionally. It is in this accepting relationship that healing can take place. 

If you'd like to talk about a course on online counselling why not contact me and we can arrange a consultation. 

Uncommon Knowledge has a great audio download pack where, through the power of hypnotherapy, you'll be guided into creating a stronger internal voice, allowing you to stop feeling inferior and to care less about judgement from others. Head over there and check out the 'Stop Feeling Inferior Pack' for more details.  

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